The understanding that reconciliation

The understanding that reconciliation heals memory is crucial for the achievement of true peace between peoples. We must rise above stereotypical patterns of thought, strip away prejudice and combat ideologization, tragic hostility and lamentable co-existence. A genuine unity must blossom where simple co-existence once reigned. Hostility must yield to redeeming mutual goodwill and kindness. To achieve this end, we must recognize one another's innate dignity as human beings. Our mission must be first and foremost to respect, heal and liberate human beings. An individual must be allowed to develop as a person. But our success depends upon our ability to break down formulaic patterns of thought – never an easy task.

Apology
Because of the injustice involved in putting pressure on a victim to forgive, a therapist should, whenever possible, begin enabling the healing process at the other end of the conflictual interaction by opening space for the perpetrator to extend a genuine apology. This can be difficult for a number of reasons. Offenders often feel too ashamed or guilty to even participate in therapy. They may be unable or unwilling to stop offending. They may have little or no awareness of the harm they have done. They may be so preoccupied with the good intentions that they fail to recognise the bad effects c their actions. They may be too afraid of humiliation and/or punishment if they admit to their mistakes. Or they may fear the costs of restorative action. Individual work with the offender may be necessary to enable them to recognise how they might be blocking possibilities for forgiveness and reconciliation. A series of skilful, reflexive questions from a therapist can often open space for an offender to recognise the constructive initiatives they can take toward, possible reconciliation by apologising and to feel good about themselves in making such a contribution. What contributes to a genuine apology is a clear recognition of the harm done .and of the injustice involved, an acknowledgement of the losses and painful experiences of the victim, an expression of deep regret and remorse, and an honest willingness to take restorative action. The absence of any one of these elements can constitute a barrier to the victim’s ability to forgive.