Why do we hold grudges

Why do we hold grudges and become resentful and unforgiving?
The people most likely to hurt us are those closest to us — our spouses,children, friends, siblings and parents. When we're hurt by someone we love and trust — whether it's a lie, betrayal, rejection, abuse or insult — it can be extremely difficult to overcome. And even minor offenses can turn into huge conflicts.
When you experience hurt or harm from someone's actions or words, whether this is intended or not, you may begin experiencing negative feelings such as anger, confusion or sadness, especially when it's someone close to you. These feelings may start out small. But if you don't deal with them quickly, they can grow bigger and more powerful. They may even begin to crowd out positive feelings. Grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility take root when you dwell on hurtful events or situations, replaying them in your mind many times.
Soon, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. You may feel trapped and may not see a way out. It's very hard to let go of grudges at this point and instead you may remain resentful and unforgiving.

The understanding that reconciliation

The understanding that reconciliation heals memory is crucial for the achievement of true peace between peoples. We must rise above stereotypical patterns of thought, strip away prejudice and combat ideologization, tragic hostility and lamentable co-existence. A genuine unity must blossom where simple co-existence once reigned. Hostility must yield to redeeming mutual goodwill and kindness. To achieve this end, we must recognize one another's innate dignity as human beings. Our mission must be first and foremost to respect, heal and liberate human beings. An individual must be allowed to develop as a person. But our success depends upon our ability to break down formulaic patterns of thought – never an easy task.

Apology
Because of the injustice involved in putting pressure on a victim to forgive, a therapist should, whenever possible, begin enabling the healing process at the other end of the conflictual interaction by opening space for the perpetrator to extend a genuine apology. This can be difficult for a number of reasons. Offenders often feel too ashamed or guilty to even participate in therapy. They may be unable or unwilling to stop offending. They may have little or no awareness of the harm they have done. They may be so preoccupied with the good intentions that they fail to recognise the bad effects c their actions. They may be too afraid of humiliation and/or punishment if they admit to their mistakes. Or they may fear the costs of restorative action. Individual work with the offender may be necessary to enable them to recognise how they might be blocking possibilities for forgiveness and reconciliation. A series of skilful, reflexive questions from a therapist can often open space for an offender to recognise the constructive initiatives they can take toward, possible reconciliation by apologising and to feel good about themselves in making such a contribution. What contributes to a genuine apology is a clear recognition of the harm done .and of the injustice involved, an acknowledgement of the losses and painful experiences of the victim, an expression of deep regret and remorse, and an honest willingness to take restorative action. The absence of any one of these elements can constitute a barrier to the victim’s ability to forgive.

Then what is a pure heart?

Then what is a pure heart? – Martin Luther
Then what is a pure heart? In what does it consist? The answer can be given quickly, and you do not have to climb up to heaven or run to a monastery for it and establish it with your own ideas. You should be on your guard against any ideas that you call your own, as if they were just so much mud and filth. And you should realize that when a monk in the monastery is sitting in deepest contemplation, excluding the world from his heart altogether, and thinking about the Lord God the way he himself paints and imagines Him, he is actually sitting—if you will pardon the expression—in the dung, not up to his knees but up to his ears. For he is proceeding on his own ideas without the Word of God; and that is sheer deception and delusion, as Scripture testifies everywhere.
What is meant by a “pure heart” is this: one that is watching and pondering what God says and replacing its own ideas with the Word of God. This alone is pure before God, yes, purity itself, which purifies everything that it includes and touches. Therefore, though a common laborer, a shoemaker, or a blacksmith may be dirty and sooty or may smell because he is covered with dirt and pitch, still he may sit at home and think: “My God has made me a man. He has given me my house, wife, and child and has commanded me to love them and to support them with my work.” Note that he is pondering the Word of God in his heart; and though he stinks outwardly, inwardly he is pure incense before God. But if he attains the highest purity so that he also takes hold of the Gospel and believes in Christ—without this, that purity is impossible—then he is pure completely, inwardly in his heart toward God and outwardly toward everything under him on earth.

Forgiveness and Bondage

Forgiveness and Bondage
Notice that the word forgive suggests action. It is not a something that "sits" or an "object" that is numbly passed from person to person. More accurately, it is not even a "something." It is an "active, doing, being" part of life. It is found in the heartfelt words of sorrow between marital partners; it is manifest in the willingness of family members to encourage the relief of shame or guilt from a loved one who has offended or erred. When couples and families fail to forgive,
Being able to forgive is a gift you giver yourself. It benefits not only the person who is forgiven but also the person who forgives. Remember the idea of an unwillingness to forgive leading to an unequal relationship where the offender is in a one-down position? Not only is the person who wronged another in bondage, so to speak, to the individual he/she wronged, he/she is in bondage with that same person. The reason for this is that the person who is unwilling to forgive never is able to remove him- or herself from the power of the previous wrong.
All of us have need to seek forgiveness from others as well as forgive others. Recognizing when to seek it and when to give it is important. When it comes to forgiving others, it is crucial to highlight an important matter regarding reconciliation in the forgiveness process.
Some people don't forgive because they see forgiveness as a sign of weakness. It is helpful to consider some of the personal qualities often necessary to forgive. These include humility, empathy, courage, integrity, sincerity, honesty, spirituality, a sense of community, love, kindness, mercy, and a host of other qualities. Certainly, all of these attributes are signs of strength, not weakness.
It is helpful to remember that if the Lord is willing to forgive us (which he expresses throughout scripture), why should we not forgive ourselves? Why should we keep tormenting ourselves for past mistakes if we have done all we can to rectify those mistakes? While this is easier said than done, the realization that we aren't forgiving ourselves, but that we need to, is often the first step to forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not something you give to someone else. It is a gift you give yourself. Forgiving the perpetrator for his action does not mean you stop judging the deed. You forgive him/her, not the action. Forgiveness allows you to live in the present and leave the past behind. Forgiveness will bring you peace.